If you are reading this from anywhere near the northeastern part of the United States, or you are one of those people that just likes to follow extreme weather patterns for shits and giggles, then you are likely aware that we are having a bit of a Snowstorm here in New York City just now. I didn’t grow up with snow, so to me, a serious blizzard is still a fun and cool thing. But the truth is that snow freaks people out to the point where they almost lose their minds. You’d think it was a plague of locusts descending from heaven rather than a few flakes of frozen water. I’ve never quite understood what is it about a snowstorm that turns grown men into whimpering pussies, but nevertheless it seems to be so. I mean, it’s weather; what are you going to do about it? Lay down on the ground and cry? Surrender? Do you need your blanket? Jesus god people, IT’S JUST SOME FUCKING SNOW – get a grip.
Here are my Top Ten reasons to defend the awesomeness of what media types are calling the “Snowocalypse.”
1. Let’s face it: snow is gorgeous. In the city, you only have about an hour after the snow stops falling to really get outside and enjoy its breathtaking magnificence before the streets are filled with an ocean of grey slush and every dog in the neighborhood uses the pristine white snow banks as a toilet. So put on your fucking boots and get the fuck outside!
2. The buses are empty. The last time I was on a bus as empty as the one I was on this morning was when I was retarded enough to go in to the office on December 31st.
3. The trains are empty (see above).
4. People bring Dunkin Donuts coffee and baked goods into the office to share. Have you had Dunkin Donuts coffee? It is fucking delicious.
5. If you are very lucky, your boss commutes into Manhattan from South Jersey, so he or she decides to work from home. What a special treat this is.
6. The obnoxious, noisy-ass consultants whose desks are next to yours decide to stay home also, and you can enjoy some peace and quiet for a change. Thank you Jesus!
7. People on the streets are nicer when it snows. Because everybody is like, “Hey, it’s snowing! Let’s put aside our differences and be friends!” Or something.
8. The office will probably close early, because that is only fair to the studs and studettes who were brave enough to come in to work when everyone else is home hiding in the closet.
9. Sometimes people make snowmen, and I enjoy looking at them.
10. I don’t have to shovel it.
Enjoy the Snowpocalypse, everybody!