I have a lot of opinions about the kinds of things nobody else usually gives a crap about, and to keep track of all my opinions (in case I ever need evidence) I like to make lists. As we creep ever closer to the end of 2007 by the minute, I offer now, for your reading pleasure, my list of the:

Top Ten Things that Should Happen in 2008 to Make My Life Happier

10. Ryan Seacrest ceases to appear in all visual media so I never have to look at the insipid mug of this talentless hack ever again.

9. People of the Earth adopt the philosophy of Zero Population Growth so we can start to repair some of the damage we’ve done to our planet before it’s too late.

8. Smokers realize that the world is not their ashtray.

7. <The View is canceled.

6. My lead-footed upstairs neighbors move away and are replaced by sedentary octogenarians.

5. Every charitable organization except Covenant House takes me off its mailing list forever.

4. Car alarms are declared illegal. Possession of any car whose alarm goes off while I am sleeping is punishable by death.

3. Every band that sounds like My Chemical Romance or Fallout Boy breaks up.

2. Britney Spears becomes a reclusive shut-in.

1. Democrats win the White House and re-take the Senate!