“I Am A Douchebag”

Last night I spent about 45 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back attempting to endure a new piece of crap reality show on VH1 called Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant (Sundays at 10:00 PM). I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a big fan of many fine reality shows like Survivor, Project Runway and The Amazing Race, but, Jesus god, this show is the worst thing since Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, which I once watched for maybe 60 seconds before it made me throw up. Suffice it to say that Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant could be marketed as a very effective emetic.

Here’s the premise: In a previous reality series, Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott belabors the point that he has been a total whorebag since his teen years of banging Erin Moran on Happy Days. Although he’s a serial cheater who’s never been able to make a commitment to one woman, he suddenly decides he must be mentally ill for being single at age 45, and he wants to learn how to commit. Yawn City. When Renee, his on-again-off-again doormat-slash-girlfriend of ten years – ten years!! – gets knocked up, he decides to let VH1 film the ensuing agony as he prepares for marriage/ cohabitation/ fatherhood – none of which he appears to want to have anything to do with. You can already tell that this is not going to be much fun for anybody.

I’ve never thought twice about Baio’s career, but, seriously, this show makes him look like the most selfish, juvenile tool on the planet. He puts out the hugest commitment-phobe vibe imaginable as he complains and whines incessantly to his poor fiancé (who must be suffering from serious self-esteem issues to have any interest in a guy who’s as big of a loser as Scott) about NOT wanting to be a father and NOT wanting to get married. He goes on and on about how he doesn’t “know how to do” parenthood and how if she has a girl it would just be a bad scene all around, because he would have no idea how to parent a girl. A Boy? He could “knock them around and stuff” but a Girl? He’s clueless. Obviously.

Here is all the evidence you need that Scott Baio is a Big Fat Douchebag:
When Scott and Renee go house hunting for a huge fucking mansion to move into, the most important selling point for Scott is that the house be large enough so he can run away and hide from Renee and the baby as often as possible, or ensconce himself in a room where he can’t hear Renee and she can’t hear him. Imagine scenes of Scott shuttering himself into a massive, Gothic drawing room and then repeating the phrase, “Renee can you hear me” over and over like a mental patient while we see her off in the kitchen totally oblivious to Scott’s retardedness. Next, we witness Scott’s burst of gleeful giggling when he realizes that, in fact she can’t hear him from where she is in the house. These scenes really must be seen to be believed. What a fucking moron.

Clearly the only justifiable reason to watch Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant is to garner fodder for fouled mouthed, mean-spirited, snarky blogs like this one! I can hardly wait for the next sequel in the series: Scott Baio is 47 and Divorced! coming some time next year.

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