Tag Archives: rants

Top Ten Reasons for a Justifiable Fashion Arrest

fashion police sticker
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Listed here in descending order of grievous offense:

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10. Baseball Caps worn indoors or at any time other than winter (for warmth) or summer (for sun protection). Hiding your bald spot with a hat suggests that perhaps you need to work on your self esteem problems. Just saying.


9. Visible Panty Lines (aka VPL). God made thongs for a reason.


8. Wearing Shoes without Socks. This is a great way to get some impressive and painful blisters,  to share your smelly feet with others and also encourage a staph infection (just ask punk rock legend Mike Watt, who almost died from one).

“No Crocs.”

7. Crocs worn in public. No further commentary is necessary.

He’s Still Here

6. Long Beards. A Beard is a fashion statement that loudly proclaims, “I Have Something to Hide!”

Behold: The Triumvirate of Douche

5. Sunglasses worn at night or indoors. Unless you are blind or suffer from an eye disease, wearing sunglasses indoors or at night indicates that you are first-class hipster tool. Thank you for making yourself so easily identifiable!

4. Tube Tops. I really hate Tube Tops. They look sloppy on almost everyone.

“Hi, I’m Homeless!”

3. Skirts worn over Jeans. Holy cut-offs, Batman, what an awkward, ill-advised look. WTF is up with that? I haven’t seen this puzzling choice for covering the lower half of the body so much lately (though it was all over the street a couple of years ago) which means it must have, mercifully, gone out of fashion.

“I have no class”

2. Incompatible bra style for a top. Ladies, trust me: no one wants to see your bra straps. Virtually all bra manufacturers make a t-back style bra meant to be worn with a t-back top. Invest $35 in your wardrobe and eliminate the ghetto bra look forever!

“Lookin’ Like a  Fool…”

1. Pants belted below the ass – the ultimate statement in fashion retardation! I am told that wearing your pants in this style emulates incarcerated individuals who are no longer allowed to own a belt. Wow, talk about being misguided when it comes to choosing your role models – let alone fashion icons! I say if a guy wants to emulate prisoners so badly, why not just make it illegal to wear your pants below your ass and throw these clowns in prison where they obviously want to be anyway? Win win!

Coming Soon: Top Ten Things You Do On The Bus That Make Me Want to Smash You In The Face

Scott Baio is 46, Pregnant and The World’s Biggest Douchebag

I am a Douchbag
“I Am A Douchebag”

Last night I spent about 45 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back attempting to endure a new piece of crap reality show on VH1 called Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant (Sundays at 10:00 PM). I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a big fan of many fine reality shows like Survivor, Project Runway and The Amazing Race, but, Jesus god, this show is the worst thing since Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, which I once watched for maybe 60 seconds before it made me throw up.
Continue reading Scott Baio is 46, Pregnant and The World’s Biggest Douchebag

Worst TV Show Ever: Hey Paula

Hey Paula TV Show

Backstory: It’s not always easy to lure me out of the Chickpad on a weeknight, but just last evening I hopped the M21 bus to Houston and Elizabeth Street to hang out at a listening party for the new album by some band called Motion City Soundtrack — a group of unwashed-looking guys pushing thirty who sing songs about what it’s like to be 15 years old and have “problems.” Aside from the fact that the party was held in a place where you have to make an appointment to custom design your own over-priced Nike sneakers, attendees were promised an “open bar” and snacks, so it really could have been any crappy band and I would have been there, because free food is free food. Continue reading Worst TV Show Ever: Hey Paula

Retard of the Year: Ann Coulter!

ann coulter is a nazi
Yeah, That About Says It

I try to avoid getting political on this blog, because I am all about The Rock, but Ann Coulter really makes me wish that I had an iron fist so I could smash her stupid face in. The only thing scarier and more vile than this conservative nutjob freakshow are the idiots and morons who think this woman even has the ability to talk sense.
Continue reading Retard of the Year: Ann Coulter!

Like a Complete Unknown: What it Means to Write for Rolling Stone

Rolling Stone Intern

Back in March of last year, my friend and fellow rock journalist, Nicole, phoned me up to read me an ad she’d just seen somewhere on line. “You’ll never believe this,” she says to me – which is what she always says when she’s about to hip me to something that’s totally ridiculous. “Rolling Stone is looking for writers just out of college to intern at the magazine for some stupid Reality TV Show!
Continue reading Like a Complete Unknown: What it Means to Write for Rolling Stone