Well, Survivor China got off to a roaring start last night and it looks like this season is going to be another good one. I can already see at least a few potential arrogant drama queens ready to make this a very entertaining twelve weeks. First off there’s the Sunday School Teacher who refused to participate in the Buddhist ceremony at the beginning of the show because Jesus would disapprove. Then we have the Professional Poker Player with the huge beer gut (his name is Jean-Robert but I am henceforth calling him “Genre Bear,” because that is how I ‘heard’ his name the first time it was pronounced). And last but not least we can enjoy the spoiled brat antics of the Whiney Anorexia Case from NYC, whom I predict will be the first to go once her tribe loses an immunity challenge. Based on last night’s show, here’s some general observational commentary from the couch.
Skills to Acquire Before You go on Survivor
If I knew I was going to be, literally, stranded in the jungle/wilderness for 39 days with no modern conveniences, little if any food and a necessity to rely 100% on my own wits/ survival skills/ ability to tolerate pretty idiots and hopelessly annoying assholes, I would certainly make sure that I learned how to do the following things:
- MAKE FIRE
- Build a shelter of out materials available in the Island Jungle Wilderness
I have zero sympathy for anyone who hasn’t mastered the above skills before landing at camp.
What Not to Wear
From what I saw last night, I wonder if any of these tards has ever watched even one episode of Survivor before agreeing to do the show? I mean, Jesus, it’s been on for 14 seasons already, get a clue on how to dress! Everyone who signs up for this ordeal should know that the show is famous for throwing you off a ship into the water with only the clothes on your back, so why on earth would you show up wearing impractical footwear such as multi-buckled stripper boots, pumps, spike heels or flip flops? And why in hell would you not have the foresight to wear a bra? On even the remotest chance that they’d pull a “clothes on your back” launch scenario, here’s is how I would dress for Survivor:
- A sensible and supportive sports bra or bathing suit top that could do double duty.
- T-Shirt with long-sleeved top over it.
- Full coverage panties with gym shorts over them.
- Jeans or khakis.
- Two pairs of socks (at least).
- FUCKING SNEAKERS.
The name of the show is “Survivor,” not “Beauty Pageant Fashion Show.” It’s not about looking good, it’s about being as comfortable as possible when you’ve been living without soap or toilet paper for three weeks. Learn to layer up, people!
How Not to Act
Here’s how to act if you want to be voted off immediately:
- Like the Boss of Everyone
- Like “The Leader”
- Like you’re the misunderstood, loner outsider who doesn’t fit in
- Like you have a limitless sense of entitlement
- Like an arrogant Frat Boy
Last night we bid an early farewell to the Chicken Farmer appropriately named “Chicken,” and at least now I won’t feel like I need subtitles to understand what he says. See you next week!