Seasons Beatings, Dear Readers. Is the sending of Christmas / Holiday cards something you enjoy doing? I generally do. I don’t think I’ve missed a year of mailing out dozens of cards to friends and family since I moved to NYC 32 years ago. But this year it’s been difficult to rustle-up the energy to get the card-sending thing together. Confession: that’s mostly due to my lack of a printer for creating the address labels, and the fact that my hands don’t work quite as well as they used to for holding a pen for hours on end. Just being serious! And it is an unfortunate truth that I have had to cancel my annual December trip to see my family due to the Covid, and the sad knowledge that Cali is locked down tight anyway, so there’s isn’t all that much to do out there anyway. Sadness. So, I’ve resolved to write a few cards each day to save my hand, and to make that extra effort to keep in touch with loved ones in a year where we were forced to be apart. You have ten more day to get your cards to their destinations. Don’t put it off.
On occasion, there will be an article in the paper or on the web about a person who inadvertently falls down an open manhole or (and this is especially fun if there is Video Documentation) who trips and stumbles into a fountain in the middle of a busy shopping mall, because he or she is so enraptured with gazing dreamily at his or her smart phone that they forget to watch where they are going. Hilarious! When I read these articles or see these videos, I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of schadenfreude. Because it is my pleasure to see you injured because you are too brain dead to put your phone down and pay attention to where you’re walking.
Just this past weekend, I was exiting the L Train at 14th street and First Avenue when a women ascending the stairs in front of me decided that the smartest choice to make at the moment was open her phone and hold everyone up so she could check her FaceBook/ Texts/ Instagram/ Twitter/ Email before she got above ground, instead of making it her priority to get the fuck out of the subway, like a normal person. While I’ll admit to entertaining brief fantasies of her tripping and smashing her stupid face on the concrete, as I stepped over her fallen body while she spit out mouthfuls of blood and teeth, that didn’t happen. And that’s probably fortunate, because it would have been a real tragedy if she had taken out an innocent bystander on her way to the ground.
Cheap Scrunchies Rule, OK
I realize that wearing a scrunchie in the hair is verboten in accepted fashion circles. But fuck that: I have very long hair that needs to be tied up on my daily commute through the PATH train wind tunnels, or if I am in any kind of breeze at all, otherwise I’ve got my hair flying all over the place and sticking to my lipstick and all kinds of unacceptableness. So the scrunchie is pretty much a part of my daily accessorizing ritual, as it keeps the hair tied back neatly while adding a little splash of color to whatever outfit I am wearing. Generally, I like to get my supply of scrunchies at NYC’s many summer weekend street fairs, where they can be purchased in colors and fabrics too numerous to mention, for about $1 to $2 each, or occasionally something like 10 scrunchies for $8 – what a bargain! But the scrunchie only lasts so long before it’s all stretched out and needs to be tossed, so I was pretty excited when I found out that American Apparel now sells nylon tricot scrunchies online, in so many rad fluorescent colors it would make your eyes bleed. My excitement quickly turned to horror, however, when I saw that they are trying to sell what is basically a few inches of fabric sewn around an elastic band for the outrageous price of $6 per scrunchie, plus shipping! WTF? Did anyone tell these guys that we are in a RECESSION? The price comes down to $10.00 for package of two scrunchies if you are willing settle for a color selection restricted to black and white only. Ghetto! Scrunchie Fail, American Apparel. Scrunchie Fail!
Baggage (mis)handlers at various airports across the country have finally managed to totally fuck the locks on my very expensive suitcase due to the constant re-opening and incorrect re-closing of my bag, necessitated by the endless “Security checks” that go on when you travel these days and have to check luggage. It was especially exciting when all of my shit fell out onto the rain soaked pavement as I got into my cab at LaGuardia. Thanks, assholes.
I just heard the most hilarious story from a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless to save him from getting his ass kicked for telling me this awesome story! It seems that my friend is out in Pennsylvania this weekend (from his home in LA) with his roommate to attend the wedding of, let’s say “a mutual friend.” Apparently the roommate is not the biggest fan of Barr declared “I’m going to go over there and tear that thing down!” What a total bitch right? It’s so typical of conservative blowhards to try and stifle freedom of expression when it doesn’t exactly align with their own propaganda. Anyway, stay with me because this gets really good. The roommate had been gone for some time and people began to speculate on where she was and why it was taking her so long to commit a simple act of irrational vandalism.
I think the happiest moment of my life so far happened when I moved to New York City in 1988. Not just because NYC is the Center of the Universe – and that’s where I want to be – but because moving from Southern California meant I could sell my piece of shit car and never drive again! Hurray! But even though I’ve long gone the way of the mass transit whore and my monthly commute is only $83, I’m not really able to enjoy a good, old-fashioned gloating fest. Because when oil prices go up, everything goes to shit. But I like to think positively and look on the bright side of every crappy situation, so I’ve come up with some benefits of high gas prices for your amusement and edification!
- Less car exhaust spewing into the air means lower pollution and a cleaner planet!
- Reduced noise from honking horns and dicks that think it’s cool to disturb my quality of life by drag racing up and down 14th street! Continue reading Top Ten Positive Side Effects of Soaring Gas Prices!
It Means There Will be Tasty Mexican Food in the Cafeteria Today!
Happy Monday and Feliz Cinco De Mayo to all of my Hispanic readers! Who else besides me is all ecstatic about This American Life returning to Showtime? Oh, happiness and joy. At the moment I am amused at a “news” article I found through Obscurestore about a woman in suburban Washington State – obviously with a lot of time on her hands – who objects to Urban Outfitters selling dirty books to her kids, or some such whiny, censorship-oriented nonsense. I mean, jesus god lady, learn how to be a parent and stop trying to inflict your moralist hoo-ha on those of us who are busy trying to hold on to what few freedoms we have left. Anyway, the best part of the story is that the woman complaining is named Marci Milfs. M-I-L-F-S. You can’t make this stuff up.