“Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time”: The Rock Of Love Recaps!

Thor AKa Bret Michaels

These days of course, Bret’s bandana covers the entire top of his head.

One of my very favorite guilty pleasures of last summer was watching VH1’s Rock Of Love with Bret Michaels, lead singer of the world’s-luckiest-not-that-talented bar band, Poison. Even though this show actually wrapped up months ago, TelevisionWithoutPity.Com is just now hilariously recapping season one .  I guess it gives them something fun to write about until the new episodes of Survivor start in February. Whoever’s doing the recapping is going super-heavy on the snark – which is always fun!  Here’s just a little snippet of the action from episode one:
“Bret gets to know Brandi M. and Jessica. First of all, only on this show do you have two Brandis. Brandi M. is from Buffalo and moved to Vegas, where she just started dancing. And I think we all know what kind of dancing. ..”

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Bret really likes Brandi, whom he calls “Wild Thing,” adding that when he saw her, he immediately thought of hot, nasty rock n’ roll sex, during which you apparently scream, “Wassagoinon.” Brandi M. says she’s a Scorpio and ruled by her genitals. In which case, why not make them the source of your livelihood? I must also confess a certain fondness for Brandi M. Jessica describes herself as a Jessica Simpson knockoff. Way to demonstrate your feelings of self-worth. She is super-spacey and either wasted or really, really dumb. Or, quite possibly, both. Jessica is also not what you’d call a pretty girl. Meanwhile, Brandi C. and Kristia go walking around looking for Bret, whom they call their baby boy. Tawny tells us that they’re quite possibly the dumbest girls she ever met, and she moved away when they got near her for fear that the dumbness was catching. The general consensus is: really dumb.”

The most hilarious thing about Rock Of Love, of course, is knowing in hindsight that after all the booze-fueled Hell that Bret put us, himself and those women through, the final love connection didn’t even work out! What a huge waste of silicone! At least it’s paved the way for a sequel, Rock Of Love II, coming very soon, I hope.

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