Last summer, I spent a few minutes penning a witty foreword to a Rock & Roll Tell-all biography called A Shot of Poison, written by my friend Christopher Long. A Shot of Poison is crammed full of Chris’s true-life escapades and various forms of torture that he endured while working as part of Poison’s road crew for years and years. Since part of Chris’s duties involved being the handler/babysitter/whipping boy for bassist Bobby Dall, a good part of the book concerns what a Doucheasaurus Rex Dall is. But there is a lot of other good dirt that you are not going to know even if you are the world’s biggest Poison fan, and it was a fun read! Here’s what Amazon.com has to say:
“Underscoring life on the road, backstage and in the studio throughout the last 20 years, this biography paints a vivid portrait of the multiplatinum rock band Poison. Based on amazing personal experiences and encounters, this striking recollection spins tales of rivalry within the group, drug use and private recording sessions, revealing a side of the legendary act that will shock and intrigue even their most faithful followers. Proving they were just as vulnerable to the common pitfalls of most successful musicians, this investigation discloses a variety of private issues, from Bret Michaels’ reclusive behavior and the group’s possessive — and often psychotic — fans to their constant competition for the spotlight, notoriety and women. A review of drummer Rikki Rockett’s highly publicized 2008 arrest — taken from an exclusive interview with Rockett himself — is also included.”
What I can definitely tell you is that everything I suggested that Chris not put in the book, because it was so embarrassingly personal, is in the book. So, obviously he didn’t give a shit about maintaining any illusion of having a business relationship or friendship with any member of Poison once this thing hits the stores. Bridge burning! I hope it sells a gazillion copies. A Shot of Poison will be released in April 2010, but you can pre-order your copy now at Amazon.
Surely no one who has seen either season of VH1’s Rock Of Lovewill be too surprised to hear the news that Poison Front Man / Reality Show Whore Bret Michaels and his latest “True Love,” Ambre Lake have broken up. Shocking! My take on Rock Of Loveis that it operates along the lines of these various wars (Vietnam, Iraq) our Government gets us into so that Oil Barons and Foreign Banks can augment their wealth: It’s not so much a battle that can be won as it is an effort that needs to be maintained so that people behind the scenes can stuff their pockets with cash. Brett Michaels is a washed-up, borderline retarded, wig-wearing ‘80s Rock Star /Botox Junkie. If he was really looking for a girlfriend he could find one in two seconds. But then VH1 would lose out on all those ratings, and I wouldn’t have anything to watch at 9:00 PM on Sunday nights. And that would just be sad. According to the link above, this upcoming season takes place in Brett’s natural habitat: a gross, skank-ridden tour bus! YAY! Let the rampant tits-flashing and BJ-giving begin!
Whitesnake’s Vocalist Does his Best Molly Shannon Impersonation on Here I Go Again With David Coverdale
I don’t know how may of you enjoyed the almost embarrassingly guilty pleasure of watching the past two seasons of VH1’s Rock of Love with Brett Michaels as much as I did. But if you’re already jonesing for Season 3, it’s kind of a bummer to know that, as of this juncture at least, Brett and his chosen “Rock of Love,” Ambre, appear to still be together. So, while the producers handle their negotiations with the next victim lucky bachelor (Tommy Lee, anyone?) Television Without Pity Dot Com has worked out this beyond hilarious list of Possible Replacements for Brett Michael’son VH1’s next installment of Rock Of Love. Wait ‘til you see what Andrew Ridgely looks like now…
These days of course, Bret’s bandana covers the entire top of his head.
One of my very favorite guilty pleasures of last summer was watching VH1’s Rock Of Lovewith Bret Michaels, lead singer of the world’s-luckiest-not-that-talented bar band, Poison. Even though this show actually wrapped up months ago, TelevisionWithoutPity.Com is just now hilariously recapping season one . I guess it gives them something fun to write about until the new episodes of Survivorstart in February. Whoever’s doing the recapping is going super-heavy on the snark – which is always fun! Here’s just a little snippet of the action from episode one:
“Bret gets to know Brandi M. and Jessica. First of all, only on this show do you have two Brandis. Brandi M. is from Buffalo and moved to Vegas, where she just started dancing. And I think we all know what kind of dancing. ..”