Kris Allen and Adam Lambert with Allison Iraheta, Who Got Kicked off for Being a Girl

Okay. Imagine in your head that a US sponsor of cooking shows is holding a televised National Sushi Making contest. After months and months and endless months of weekly competitions, those in the running have been narrowed down to two final contestants, who will compete for the title of American Sushi God, or something like that. The finalists are Iron Chef Masaharu Marimoto and some dude who works at McDonald’s.

Now, if you have ever eaten one of Marimoto’s tuna rolls, you know that guy is the bomb-diggity when it comes to making sushi – and I don’t even like fish. I mean, there is no better sushi chef than Marimoto and I am telling you that you only need to eat ONE FUCKING TUNA ROLL to know it. And maybe the guy from McDonalds has learned how to roll some sushi in the endless weeks of the contest, but his tuna rolls, well, they are not going to make anyone’s head explode with delight, is what I’m saying. Still, if you were offered one of McDonald’s guys’ sushi rolls, you’d eat it, enjoy it, and not spit it out onto the ground or anything.

So, the day of Judgment finally comes and the two contestants wait on stage, all excited and shit to find out which of them will win the God of Sushi title, but everyone knows that Marimoto will win, because, well, duh. And the winner is…Guy Who Works at McDonalds!!!! Why? Because those expert Japanese sushi chefs are “So uppity.”

WTF?

That was my reaction last night when I heard that twee douche bag, Ryan Seacrest announcing that Kris Allen (who?) had just won the American Idol contest over Adam Lambert. Are you shitting me?

I confess that I watched only about thirty minutes of AI total this season, because I finally figured out (after four seasons) that I hate the kind of mindless pop drivel spewed forth by the singers on this show. However, it took only about three seconds of witnessing Adam Lambert cover “Ring of Fire” for me to realize that this kid was not only the most talented and unique singer on this season’s show, he’s the best contestant that they’ve ever had or ever will have. They should have just handed him the prize right after the spectacular “Ring of Fire” Las Vegas bonanza showdown. Because – like Marimoto’s tuna rolls – it just does not get any better than that.

I guess Kris’s victory over Adam provides us with the one final epiphany we need to see what a fucking sham joke this show has always been. Simon Cowell doesn’t even pretend to be interested anymore and the whole audience booing for any kind of negative criticism shows just what kind of tools make up the studio audience. The whole “results” show drama is boring and stupid. Seriously, I stopped watching Pineapple Express to see the last half hour of AI and I could barely keep my eyes open. And Kris Allen is about the 5th or 6th most talented person on this year. Hopefully Adam Lambert’s post-Idol career goes the way of Chris Daughtry and he doesn’t have to worry about not having captured the number one spot on this completely ridiculous, clown ass show.