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George Carlin’s New Rules For 2006

George Carlin 2008

A friend just emailed me this and it’s so funny (and true) that I had to share.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Continue reading George Carlin’s New Rules For 2006

Gail’s Top Ten CDs of 2005!

Top Ten

As a special New Year’s treat, here’s a preview of my Top Ten Favorite CDs of the year, to be elaborated on in my upcoming 2005 Year End Rewind! Enjoy!

Crash Kelly Penny Pills

1. Crash Kelly, Penny Pills (Liquor & Poker)

When I got the advance of this album last winter, I predicted that Penny Pills would be my favorite CD of the year 2006 and, no surprise here, I was right. Embracing a full-on 70s sensibility of Alice Cooper’s School’s Out and T Rex at its most glam, Penny Pills is the only drug you need.

Lake Trout
2. Lake Trout, Not Them, You (PALM)

Baltimore’s Lake Trout bring us acid rock for the aughts and are one of the best live bands around.

Kasabian ST
3. Kasabian, S/T (RCA)

Kasabian are such a great band I can’t even believe they’re signed to a major label, let alone RCA. Which reminds me of joke:

Q: How do you stop the spread of AIDS?
A: Let BMG distribute it.

Eric Anders More Regrets
4. Eric Anders, More Regrets (Baggage Room)

Eric Anders is an obscure, independent singer songwriter whose unaffected ability to turn a phrase and otherworldly knack for arranging transcendent, melancholy melodies would have made him superstar, you know, if records still sold based on talent.

Porcupine Tree Deadwing
5. Porcupine Tree, Deadwing (LAVA)

I still love the Prog rock and nobody bends the mind quite like the dark masters of the genre, Steven Wilson’s Porcupine Tree.

Turbonegro Party Animals

6. Turbonegro, Party Animals (Liquor & Poker)

What’s going on up there in Scandinavia that gives bands hailing from that part of the world such superior ass kicking power in the Rock & Roll arena? Norway’s Turbonegro might say it’s a higher tolerance for alcohol.

The Greenhornes East Grand Blues EP

7. The Greenhornes, East Grand Blues EP (V2)

The Greenhornes play fuzz-toned garage rock that’s impressively faithful to the sonic hallmarks of the classic British Invasion bands (Beatles, Stones, Yardbirds) and their counterparts in the original wave of American garage rock. East Grand Blues EP completely obviates the need for The Strokes to ever make another record.

Fear Factory Transgression
8. Fear Factory, Transgression (Liquid 8)

Managing to stay authentically dangerous without becoming a parody of itself, heavy metal juggernauts Fear Factory have in Burton Bell and Raymond Herrera the best lead vocalist and the best drummer, respectively, in the genre today.

Black Halos Alive Without Control

9. Black Halos, Alive Without Control (Liquor & Poker)

My hands down favorite band to see live and, individually, my very favorite group of band dudes to hang out with, Vancouver’s Black Halos sweat Rock & Roll from every pore. I just adore them.

Peppers Ghost Shake the Hand
10. Peppers Ghost, Shake The Hand that Shook The World (Hybrid)

Five words: Ziggy Stardust meets Sergeant Pepper.

50 Ways To Annoy A Metalhead

Metalhead Guy
1. Tell them every metal band worships the devil.
2. Ask if all black metal bands are trying to copy KISS or just most of them.
3. Hide their joint under their library card.
4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.
5. If they’re listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn’t matter who.
6. Say it’s all a ripoff of Iron Butterfly anyway.
7. Ask if they’ve given their souls to Jesus yet.
8. Vaguely imply that you’re gay and would like their company for the evening.
9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.
10. Refuse to accept their fake I.D.
11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little.
12. Use the phrase “cookie monster vocals” and act like it’s the funniest, most original thing you’ve ever come up with.
13. If they’re listening to metal, tell them “These guys don’t have talent. Now (insert any mainstream band here), those guys have talent!”
14. Say “What is vinyl?”
15. Point out how homosexual Manowar is. If they agree, tell them the only thing more homosexual is Black Sabbath with Dio.
16. Tell them it all sounds the same.
17. Admit that Cliff Burton was a dirty hippy who had already peaked musically.
18. If they say they love 80s metal, ask them what ever happened to Poison.
19. Tell them you like underground music too, like (insert the newest overhyped fashionable loud-ish band from the radio)
20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can’t sing.
21. Insist that Emperor videos would be better if they used a dance troupe.
22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson’s band.
23. Divert their CD shipments to the local Jewish community center.
24. Write “God Loves You” on their Venom backpatch.
25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn’t that unique.
26. Post under their nickname on a power metal board and say Ray Alder shits all over John Arch.
27. Take out the Iron Maiden disc and put in 50 Cent.
28. Give them a spiky pop-punk haircut while they sleep.
29. Pronounce “Celtic Frost” correctly.
30. If they’re over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.
31. Tell them you’re not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.
32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show.
33. Make them be sober for five whole seconds.
34. Ask if Randy Rhoads was on the same flight as John Denver.
35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.
36. Turn the bass way up on their stereo.
37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.
38. Call Doro fat.
39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.
40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being wiggers.
41. Use the phrase “balls in a vice” at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.
42. If it’s a guy with long hair, address him as if he were female. Don’t correct yourself about it.
43 .Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.
44. Say you love Metallica’s debut, The Black Album.
45. Notice that Lemmy hasn’t moved his left hand in 30 years of playing bass.
46. Refer to metal as “that kill-your-father rape-your-mother stuff.”
47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.
48. Pine for the good old days when “Pour Some Sugar On Me” was a big hit.
49. Tell them you used to be a metalhead, but grew out of it when you started listening to more intellectual stuff like (insert any band at all here)
50. Post a list of “Ways To Annoy Metal Fans” knowing full well that so many of them internalize everything and can’t take a joke.

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My Top Ten CDs List of 2003 for Rolling Stone

Rolling Stone Top Ten By Gail Worley

1. Pre(thing), 22nd Century Lifestyle (V2): An acid-rock masterpiece predestined for obscurity by the untimely death of lead vocalist/guitarist Rust Epic just weeks before the CD’s release date.

2. Steve Morse, Major Impacts 2 (Magna Carta): A legend of instrumental guitar rock pays homage to his own influences. Absolutely essential listening.

3. Ambulance LTD, Ambulance LTD (TVT): Penny Lane is in their ears and in their eyes.

4. Audio Karate, Lady Melody (Label): LA Punk Rock revivalists blend disarming melody and authentic grit with a little help from producer and punk rock legend Bill Stevenson (ALL, Descendents).

5. Josh Todd, You Made Me (Label): Ex-Buckcherry front man and his eponymous new band made one of the year’s best albums while keeping Rock & Roll in the gutter, where it belongs.

6. The Killers, Hot Fuss (Island): This Sin City foursome validated its advance hype, combining the hipster synth-pop of Duran Duran and Ultravox on the most original sounding album of the year.

7. VAST, Nude (FourFiveSix): Arena-worthy Thinker Rock for the Modern Progressive.

8. Jonny Polonsky, The Power of Sound (Loveless): Audiot savant Jonny Polonsky graduates from the School of Rock with straight A’s to show all the whiny brat rockers how it’s done.

9. Doug Gillard, Salamander (Pink Frost/Big Takeover): Flawless Beatles-esque pop that sounds like The Lemonheads meet Guided By Voices without all the substance abuse issues.

10. Green Day, American Idiot (Reprise): Ever wondered what The Who’s Tommy would sound like recorded by Green Day? Here’s your answer.

Reissue: The Clash, London Calling (Sony Legacy): Two words: Bonus DVD.