Tag Archive | Fallout Boy

What The Hell is Up with Ed Kowalczyk’s Retarded Brother?

LIVE

I Alone Am Not Really In This Band

Last night Geoffrey and I went to see Collective Soul and Live at the Hammerstein Ballroom, because my friend Ryan plays drums for Collective Soul and he got us in for free. So don’t even start with me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve seen Live about a hundred and fifty times since Mental Jewelry was released and every single one of their shows has blown the top of my head right off. Honestly, Live is one of the best rock bands around even if they haven’t had a hit record in ten years. I’d rather see Live in concert a million billion times than Fallout Boy or any one of those shitty modern alternative crap ass emo bands that can’t stop whining about their feelings for one second.

But one thing that really bugs me about seeing Live, well, live is that Ed Kowalczyk lets his retarded-acting younger brother, Adam, tour with the band as a rhythm guitarist, and the guy is obviously suffering from delusions of grandeur that are just way out of control. Watching Adam try to take over the stage and turn it into “The Adam Kowalczyk Show” is something that must be seen to be believed. While Live’s REAL guitarist, the understated and brilliant Chad Taylor, stands in the shadows and plays his ass off, Ed’s retarded brother charges up to the front of the stage so he can hang around with Ed, like he’s the star of the fucking band! He, literally steals the spotlight from Ed, spazzes out like a mental patient and does karate kicks like he’s Dennis Dunaway or something. It’s insane.

Here’s what I want explained to me: since when do touring guitarists that do not even record with the band take the spotlight away from a group’s iconic lead singer? If anybody deserves a spotlight it’s the guitarist, bassist or drummer in Live that helped the band sell 8 million copies of Throwing Copper, the single greatest album of the alternative era! Dude, get over yourself! You’re not even an official member of the band! You’re only up on that stage because your older, more successful, infinitely more talented and way better looking older brother feels sorry for you. Earth to Adam Kowalczyk: This is a Reality Check. Come in. Over

Top Ten Things That Should Happen in 2008 to Make My Life Happier

Happiness

I have a lot of opinions about the kinds of things nobody else usually gives a crap about, and to keep track of all my opinions (in case I ever need evidence) I like to make lists. As we creep ever closer to the end of 2007 by the minute, I offer now, for your reading pleasure, my list of the:

Top Ten Things that Should Happen in 2008 to Make My Life Happier

10. Ryan Seacrest ceases to appear in all visual media so I never have to look at the insipid mug of this talentless hack ever again.

9. People of the Earth adopt the philosophy of Zero Population Growth so we can start to repair some of the damage we’ve done to our planet before it’s too late.

8. Smokers realize that the world is not their ashtray.

7. The View is canceled.

6. My lead-footed upstairs neighbors move away and are replaced by sedentary octogenarians.

5. Every charitable organization except Covenant House takes me off its mailing list forever.

4. Car alarms are declared illegal. Possession of any car whose alarm goes off while I am sleeping is punishable by death.

3. Every band that sounds like My Chemical Romance or Fallout Boy breaks up.

2. Britney Spears becomes a reclusive shut-in.

1. Democrats win the White House!

Worst Hold Music Ever

Worst Hold Music Ever

I was on the phone today with my cell phone company trying to solve a stupid problem that did not deserve to have even one minute of my precious time spent dealing with it. To add insult to injury, I was subjected to an eardrum excoriating endurance test of “hold music of the damned” that included such aural tortures as the latest radio schlock by Fallout Boy and some piece of crap country song that is apparently called — I wish I was making this up — “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”  from which I will most certainly never recover.

 Unhappy Phone 
Beware the Virgin Mobile Hold Music from Hell