Top Ten Things That Should Happen in 2008 to Make My Life Happier

Happiness

I have a lot of opinions about the kinds of things nobody else usually gives a crap about, and to keep track of all my opinions (in case I ever need evidence) I like to make lists. As we creep ever closer to the end of 2007 by the minute, I offer now, for your reading pleasure, my list of the:

Top Ten Things that Should Happen in 2008 to Make My Life Happier

10. Ryan Seacrest ceases to appear in all visual media so I never have to look at the insipid mug of this talentless hack ever again.

9. People of the Earth adopt the philosophy of Zero Population Growth so we can start to repair some of the damage we’ve done to our planet before it’s too late.

8. Smokers realize that the world is not their ashtray.

7. <The View is canceled.

6. My lead-footed upstairs neighbors move away and are replaced by sedentary octogenarians.

5. Every charitable organization except Covenant House takes me off its mailing list forever.

4. Car alarms are declared illegal. Possession of any car whose alarm goes off while I am sleeping is punishable by death.

3. Every band that sounds like My Chemical Romance or Fallout Boy breaks up.

2. Britney Spears becomes a reclusive shut-in.

1. Democrats win the White House and re-take the Senate!

2 thoughts on “Top Ten Things That Should Happen in 2008 to Make My Life Happier

  1. Swami’s top ten for happiness:

    10. Pregnancy without a license/psychological/financial evaluation is punishable by imprisonment in small huts near a freeway in New Jersey

    9. ZERO immigration and ZERO population growth

    8. Lindsay Lohan required by law to never wear makeup again so we can always see what she really looks like

    7. Britney Spears is vaporized

    6. Pictures of George W. Bush published depicting his penchant for penile activity with Dick Cheney

    5. Football is outlawed during national holidays

    4. Newscasters should only be drunk on the job

    3. Only raging drunks are hired as newscasters

    2. Rap is outlawed on every radio station, on every CD, every streaming audio broadcast and breaking that law is punishable by incarceration in a maximum security prison where nothing but Jim Nabors Christmas albums are played on a loudspeaker 24/7.

    1. Republicans can suck the shit outta my ass

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    I’m an angry little jerk, ain’t I???

  2. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

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