Just when you think that everything that could possibly be branded with the evil feline [already has been], something else ends up in my email box. Once again, Star Wars fans die a little inside with the Hello Kitty Tie Fighter. You just know that Star Wars would have had a different (and much more apocalyptic) ending had the Tie Fighters looked like this because there would be absolutely no way to triumph over the corresponding Darth Vader. When people talk about the “dark side,” the darkest of the dark is held without questions by the cat with no mouth.
You can look at the above cartoon in one of two ways: either this is the band Kiss dressed / made up as a bunch of Hello Kitties, or it’s Hello Kitty as the band Kiss. Either way, the crossover appeal is fairly transparent , as both Kiss and Hello Kitty have merchandised every item imaginable from T-Shirts and Toys to Coffins and Vibrators. Let the battle for the title “Kings of Corporate Whoring” begin!
You might be saying to yourself right now (and quite understandably), “What the Hell am I looking at?” Well, what we have here is a Hello Kitty Sandwich Ring. That is, a piece of bizarre costume jewelry where the “Jewel” is a miniature sandwich with the face of Hello Kitty as the bread. Yes, I just typed that. I have no more words for this abomination.
If you’ve ever eaten a canned pasta product, say, Spaghettios – you know, when you were a kid – then you know that stuff tastes like ass. But kids will put just about anything in their mouths, and if it’s mushy pasta that looks like Hello Kitty, they probably don’t care how repulsive it is!
To me, the Hello Kitty faces in this decorative brick just look like a row of perfectly rounded breasts (imagine the nipple is the nose). Anybody else see that? I imagine it’s an illusion that once seen cannot be unseen. You’re welcome.
One of my very favorite time-waster websites is Hello Kitty Hell, a ridiculously fun and snarky blog which was previously featured here on The ‘Gig. Today’s Hello Kitty Hell featured post is – of all things – a Hello Kitty Taser Gun, “because nothing shows the true cuteness and sweet side of Hello Kitty — and the love and happiness she brings to all — like 50,000 volts of electricity streaming through your body.” One commenter noted that this product surely must be a Photoshop job, so I decided to do a bit of sluething myself. First, I did a Google search for “Hello Kitty Taser Gun” to find out if this is a real product or a Photoshop job, as claimed. While I did get quite a few page hits on the product, they ALL appear to link back to Hello Kitty Hell as the source article. I also did a search on Sanrio’s (maker of Hello Kitty) official online store and it turned up zero results for the product. Lastly, if you take a look at this link, you’ll see a taser gun exactly like the one pictured in the HKH post, minus (of course) the Hello Kitty Logo. My conclusion: this is indeed a very entertaining post, but likely a Photoshop job, nonetheless.
I’ve been aware of the Japanese Pop Culture Quest for World Domination that is Hello Kitty for at least 30 years. Hello Kitty is like Starbucks and McDonalds I guess: it’s just everywhere and we’re powerless to stop it. Personally, being several decades over the age of six, Hello Kitty has little effect on my mental state or the manner in which I live my life. Not so much for the creator of Hello Kitty Hell, a pretty fucking fantastic website blog run by a guy whose wife (and I’m assuming she’s at least in her thirties) is completely and thoroughly obsessed with all things Hello Kitty. Running the hilariously entertaining Hello Kitty Hell blog is evidently his source of release from a 24-7-365 Hello Kitty existence that is his own personal living hell. But I guess it’s cheaper than divorce, and a lot funnier, too.