I have a shameful, embarrassing confession to make: in another life, I watched two entire seasons of American Idol — the one where Fantasia (deservedly) won (I think that was Season 3) and the one where the ridiculously fantastic Bo Bice inexplicably lost to the robotic automaton known as Carrie Underwood. That’s when I decided this program was bullshit and I would never never ever ever watch it again. I have spent this entire season of American Idol openly hating on this show (while watching it sporadically in secret) and having my intense hatred of all that American Idol stands for reaffirmed every time someone with a pulse, like Carly or Syesha, got slammed to the mat while all the judges collectively felated finalist (and let’s face it, he was the “chosen winner” right out of the gate) David Archuleta, the worlds most obvious puppet-boy plant. And I’ve never been a huge fan of AI’s other Season Gazillion finalist, David Cook, because I think the world has enough Scott Stapp-by-Way-of-Chris Daughtry clones. But let’s face it: the guy can fucking sing and seems to have the ability to actually rock.

But anyway, I did end up watching last night’s season finale, the Battle of the Two Davids, while I enjoyed a delicious burger I’d grilled up for my dinner and waited for Hell’s Kitchen to start. Jacob over at Television Without Pity has a full-on righteous recap that is way more hilarious and scathing than anything I could possibly pull out of my ass on such short notice, so I’m going to defer to him, because he said it all.